It can be surprising, the little changes that upset your young child—a sandwich cut in a different way or a trip to an unfamiliar playground, perhaps. So when you know there’s a big change on the way—a new baby, a move or a divorce, for example—you may be especially concerned about how your child will react.
“Most kids find safety and security in consistency, in knowing what to expect, so small and big changes cause anxiety because they shake up what the child previously thought,” says Emily Carter Cox, MSW, a UNC Health clinical social worker and therapist. “But change is a part of life, so helping them navigate it will build resilience and skills they can use in other life experiences.”
Cox shares tips for supporting a young child through a major transition.
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Share what your child needs to know.
What you say to your child will depend on their age and development. If you’re not sure where to start, their doctor, teacher or school counselor may have advice. For most of life’s big transitions, there are children’s books or shows that explain the concept, and there are many online resources offering ways to frame these types of conversations.
“I advise parents to start simple, with the most basic information that kids need to know, and then wait for the kid’s response,” Cox says. “Wait for the questions to come. Kids will usually tell us what they want to know if we wait.”
Questions might not come right at that moment, so be ready for the conversation to happen over time. You may notice you get the same question several times, which is a hint about which part of the change your child wants reassurance about.
As to when to have the conversation—do they need to know about a move six months in advance, or just one?—you probably have a sense of whether your child does better with a lot of time to prepare or if too much causes added anxiety.
“Little kids have less clarity on time, so they may not need much notice, but increase the time to adjust as kids get older,” Cox says.
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Acknowledge big emotions—yours and theirs.
It can be helpful to talk about your own emotions surrounding the change, especially if you become upset while talking about it.
“If you’re getting emotional or start crying, narrate what’s happening for your child,” Cox says. “You could say, ‘I feel pretty sad about this. It’s OK if you feel sad too, but it’s also OK if you’re not sad.’ Labeling those emotions is more important than ignoring what’s happening or cutting off your own emotions completely.”
You may be really happy about a new baby or new house, but your child is upset. Be OK with that range of responses.
“When parents sit with their kids while they’re acting out or crying, they’re teaching kids they can tolerate those big feelings and the discomfort of change,” Cox says. “The goal isn’t to eliminate the discomfort or the stress, but to help kids through it.”
Not sure how your kid is feeling? Ask.
“You may notice a child looks down or gets quiet when the changes are explained,” Cox says, noting that you can label this too. “Say, ‘You’re quiet; what are you feeling right now? What are you thinking?’ Let the child guide the conversation from there.”
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Maintain routines and find time to play.
When you’re getting ready for a big change like a move or preparing your home for a new family member, your to-do list gets much longer. Even if you feel like you need every spare minute for those tasks, try to maintain your child’s routines.
“Maybe you make sure that the bedtime routine follows the same format, and then you can talk about how that will be the same once you move,” Cox says.
Even on your busiest days, try to set aside a little time for one-on-one play with your child.
“Play can feel frivolous during stressful changes, but it’s so important in building relationships between parents and kids,” Cox says. “Play is one of the best tools for building safety and security in the relationship, and it helps kids feel connected to their parents.”
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Offer opportunities to help make decisions.
For some kids, the opportunity to feel part of the process is helpful.
“Being included in smaller decisions can make a big difference for some kids,” Cox says. “Maybe they get to pick out a special decoration for the new baby’s room, or they’re given a choice as to whether they’d like to have a playdate with someone from their new school before they go.”
If your child isn’t interested in weighing in, that’s OK too, but watch for decisions where it would be appropriate to ask for their input.
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Know that regression is normal.
Part of the adjustment process may involve some regression and acting out; your potty-trained child may have an accident or you may see more tantrums than usual.
“Regression is typical and expected with big changes, so support the kid through that,” Cox says. “Give them a little extra time to adjust and more quality time if possible. It’s a temporary thing. Once the family settles back into a routine, those behaviors go away.”
The timeline for adjusting to the change will be different for every child and every family, but if you’re concerned about how your child is coping, talk to their doctor or consider the help of a counselor or therapist.
Don’t forget that you also need someone to talk to during big transitions.
“Parents need extra support through changes, too,” Cox says. “This is a time to draw on your support systems. Talk to other parents or people who can empathize with the experience.”
If you need help talking to a child about change, talk to their doctor or a mental health provider. Need a doctor? Find one near you.