Parenting a teenager has never been easy, but it can feel especially difficult at this moment, when studies show that teens are dealing with high levels of sadness, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. It can be difficult to tell if your teen’s moodiness and behaviors are a normal part of puberty and becoming more independent or if they’re signs of something more serious.
Ellen Ruebush, a licensed clinical social worker who works with teens and young adults in UNC Health’s Intensive Outpatient Program, provides tips for supporting your child through this challenging time of growth.
1. Make an effort to check-in.
You may feel like you barely see your teen; between school and homework, extracurricular activities and time with their friends, they may not have much time for family.
“One thing that can work for families who are feeling a disconnect is a daily check-in using an emoji system,” Ruebush says. “Teens are sometimes more comfortable communicating with a brain exploding emoji than putting a label on their emotions.”
If you’ve gotten a poop emoji for several days in a row, then you can start a conversation about how they’re coping.
Set an expectation that at least one night a week requires time together as a family. Let this time unfold naturally and be fun, rather than planning tough conversations.
“Even one shared meal a week, or a movie night, provides that shared time and space for open conversations,” Ruebush says. “That comfort and familiarity from being in the same space together will carry over when you need to deal with bigger topics.”
2. Listen before giving advice.
Your teen may be experiencing their first romantic relationship, dealing with friendship struggles and juggling a busy schedule—all while trying to think about their future. You probably have ideas about how they should handle these things, but refrain from jumping in with your opinion.
“When you love your kids, you want things to be OK, so problem-solving for them comes from a good place,” Ruebush says. “Listening is really important before you try to fix things. People want to be understood and validated more than they want someone to solve problems for them.”
When you don’t stop to listen, you may inadvertently add more pressure on your teen, and they may push you away if it seems like you don’t really understand what they’re going through.
If they come to you with a tough situation—maybe they were offered alcohol or drugs—try to remain calm and listen, and then ask if they want advice. It will help show your teen that you can be trusted with complex issues.
3. Validate emotions even if you don’t agree with behavior.
In addition to listening to what your teen tells you, try to be curious about what could be driving their behavior.
“If a teen slams a door and storms off, it’s OK to validate that they’re angry, but you do not have to validate that it’s OK to slam a door,” Ruebush says. “If a teen says they’re never going back to school, you don’t have to validate that, but you could help them identify the emotion that’s underneath that.”
Parents can get in the habit of focusing on behaviors—don’t slam doors; do your homework—instead of acknowledging those underlying emotions, Ruebush says.
“You don’t have to agree with their perspective on a situation, but you can put yourself in their shoes, and then you can usually understand why they’re angry or overwhelmed,” Ruebush says.
4. Consider your teen’s schedule.
Teens can feel immense pressure to achieve in academics and extracurricular activities in anticipation of applying to college. A schedule full of studying and competition leads to stress and burnout.
“Teens are involved in so many things and are completely booked up,” Ruebush says. “It affects mental health when there’s no downtime to rest or process, and sleep, which is so important for mental health, is usually the first thing to be sacrificed.”
That doesn’t mean you should tell your kid to quit an activity that’s meaningful to them; instead, take this as an opportunity to listen.
“You might say, ‘I can see you’re under a lot of pressure. Is there anything I could do help you manage all of this?’” Ruebush says. “Center the conversation about how they’re coping rather than their to-do list. Once you hear how they’re feeling, then you might help them brainstorm on what would lighten the load and what they can say no to.”
5. Model behaviors that improve mental and physical health.
Maybe you’d like your teen to have a more balanced schedule, but your own schedule is so hectic that you’re always stressed. Remember that you’re modeling behavior for your teen, so try to live up to your advice.
“Teens will register if they’re being told what to do by someone who is not doing the same,” Ruebush says.
Lead by example when it comes to behaviors such as exercise and going to sleep instead of scrolling on your phone.
And when you mess up as a parent, you can model how to take accountability.
“If you recognize that you didn’t listen very well, start with an apology,” Ruebush says. “It shows teens how they can repair a relationship in the future.”
6. Involve teens in decision-making.
The teenage years can be a time of testing boundaries in preparation for independence. While it’s important to set and enforce clear boundaries for your child, consider allowing a teen to be involved in discussions about rules and consequences.
Take social media, which can negatively affect a teen’s self-esteem. Instead of banning its use outright, talk to your teen about the rules they think are appropriate and consider their input.
“You might say, ‘I feel we need some limits around time on screens and time spent on certain platforms,’ and then listen to what they think is reasonable,” Ruebush says. “Teens are often more open to these limits when they’re involved in the decision-making, rather than given a top-down decision.”
7. Ask for help.
Early signs of mental health issues in teens include increased isolation from family and peers, changes in sleeping and eating habits, and irritability. There is some overlap in these symptoms and puberty, and if you’re struggling to tell the difference, ask for help.
“I often hear parents say they thought their teen was just being a teen, which is why you might need someone else to talk through these changes,” Ruebush says. “A primary care provider or pediatrician can help you understand what’s typical and what’s a cause for concern.”
Those same professionals can help you find mental health therapists for your teen, or you.
“If things get harder for your teen, they’ll have started to build that relationship with someone, rather than starting therapy after a crisis,” Ruebush says.
If you have concerns about your teen’s mental health, talk to a doctor or find one near you.