One of the hard parts about raising a teenager is that you used to be one. You probably remember the feelings, the changes and maybe making some not-so-great choices.
Teenagers are faced with opportunities to engage in all kinds of unsafe behaviors, including drinking alcohol, smoking or vaping, unprotected sex and distracted driving. You may think you have nothing to worry about with your well-behaved and rule-following child, but all teens are at risk for lapses in judgment.
That risk is due to a few factors happening at once, says Rollyn Ornstein, MD, a UNC Health pediatrician who specializes in adolescent medicine.
“When kids are younger, parents are the most important influence, but during adolescence, peer influence becomes very important,” Dr. Ornstein says. “There will be both good and bad influences in those peer groups, but they will usually care what their peers think more than what their parents think.”
(And unlike past generations, they have social media making friendships more complicated and behavior more public.)
Brain development is also a factor. The prefrontal cortex, which handles decision-making, including weighing risks and benefits and predicting long-term outcomes, doesn’t fully develop until a person’s mid-20s.
“It’s harder for them to stop and think about the consequences and they can be more impulsive,” Dr. Ornstein says.
Of course, parents are still important voices, and your child needs you more than ever in these years. Dr. Ornstein shares tips for supporting your teen in making healthy choices.
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Start talking about the tricky stuff early.
It’s natural to want to shield your child from topics that feel too mature for them, but it’s best to start these conversations before they’re teenagers.
“Start with open conversations before they’re involved with any of these behaviors,” Dr. Ornstein says. “If you wait until something happens, you’re going to put the child on the defensive and miss the opportunity to show they can come to you with questions.”
Say you pass a vape shop with your middle schooler. Instead of hoping your child doesn’t see it, talk about it.
“Start really broad,” Dr. Ornstein says. “You might say, ‘It seems like a lot of kids are vaping these days. Do you see kids doing that?’ Those questions aren’t obviously connected to their behavior, so you don’t put them on the defensive.”
These conversations will give you a chance to see what your child knows about the behavior, as well as share information about why it’s unsafe.
“It can be easier to talk when it’s not about something they’ve done, when it’s just a discussion as opposed to a lecture,” Dr. Ornstein says.
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Stay nonjudgmental and keep the lines of communication open.
When you’re sharing information about risks and safety, be careful to avoid moral or judgmental language. While you can stress that certain behaviors are unsafe, you don’t want to say or imply that people who engage in them are bad or stupid. That fear of judgment—for themselves or their peers—may prevent your child from coming to you when they want information or need help.
“They have to know that you’re open to talking about these topics without judgment or criticism,” Dr. Ornstein says.
These aren’t conversations you can just have once—your child’s challenges at 13 will be different at 15 or 17, and you want to show that you’ll keep the lines of communication open.
“Try not to let your anxiety about these topics show. Remain calm and remind your kid you’re there for them and want to talk,” Dr. Ornstein says.
Being nonjudgmental doesn’t mean you’re saying it’s OK for your child to engage in these behaviors; you can still be clear about the risks, explain your expectations and share strategies they can use when presented with something unsafe.
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Give your kid a safe way to escape a risky situation.
Tell your child that you can be their safe way out of any unsafe situation.
“Kids will have parties and go out with friends, and it’s better for your kid to know you’ll create a safe situation for them if they need it, no questions asked,” Dr. Ornstein says. “If they do drink, you want them to call you instead of driving or getting into a car with someone else who may have been drinking at the wheel. They need to know there are ways to leave if things start to feel out of control.”
You can come up with a phrase or emoji that your child can say or text you that indicates they need to be picked up. You might help them come up with an excuse that they can give to friends.
If your kid does call on you to get out of a risky situation, remember to remain nonjudgmental. Resist the urge to point out that this always seems to happen with a certain group of friends.
“Being too critical about friends can backfire,” Dr. Ornstein says. “It’s better to encourage participation in a variety of activities so they have opportunities to make more friends overall.”
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Keep calm and be clear about consequences.
Be clear on what behavior you expect and what the consequences will be if the rules are broken.
If your child has engaged in risky behavior, take a deep breath—instead of yelling, which can cause further division, wait until you’re calm to talk about it.
Try not to let your anger result in an overly long punishment that shuts down future conversation.
“Kids don’t respond well to indefinite or unpredictable consequences, so you can’t just say, ‘You’re grounded until I say you’re not,’” Dr. Ornstein says. “Think about what will be meaningful as a consequence and make sure you can follow through with it.”
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Think about your own habits.
It’s going to be difficult to convince a kid why they shouldn’t use their phone while driving if they see you check your own phone at stoplights, or why they shouldn’t try marijuana when they know you visit a dispensary.
“Kids are always watching, so model appropriate behaviors,” Dr. Ornstein says. “When kids see their parents do certain things, it will seem not that harmful.”
When you discuss topics like drinking, drugs or sex with your kids, they may ask questions about your own experiences. You can explain your decision-making process, but remember that actions speak louder than words.
“If the family is going out to dinner together, point out, ‘Dad’s not drinking because he’ll drive us home,’” Dr. Ornstein says.
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Know that your child’s doctor can help.
If you’re struggling to maintain open lines of communication with your child, know that their doctor is there for support.
“If you have concerns about some of these topics, give the doctor a heads-up privately before the appointment through a phone or portal message,” Dr. Ornstein says. “The doctor can start that conversation.”
Pediatricians look for opportunities to talk with kids about making safe choices.
“Sometimes kids listen to other adults more than their parents at this age, and this information might sound different coming to them from a medical professional,” Dr. Ornstein says.
If you have questions about your teenager’s health, talk to their doctor. If you or your child need a doctor, find one near you.