Have you noticed that someone you care about is drinking more and more? Do you worry that they often seem to be recovering from a hangover or planning for their next drink? Have you seen lots of cans or bottles in their trash, or found alcohol stored in a place where it doesn’t belong? Has there been a change in their behavior?
These are all signs of problem drinking, but you don’t have to know for certain that your loved one is addicted to alcohol to share your concerns.
“Don’t jump to conclusions that someone has an alcohol problem or become a detective snooping through trash or bank statements,” says Dan Velez, MSW, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical supervisor at UNC Substance Treatment and Recovery (STAR). “If you think something is going on, that’s enough to start the conversation.”
These conversations aren’t easy, so here are some do’s and don’ts to keep in mind.
Do: Prepare for the conversation.
This isn’t a conversation to have when you notice your loved one is opening yet another beer. Instead, think about what you want to say and consider when and where you’ll say it.
Velez recommends doing some research on addiction and problem drinking before the conversation, so that you can have prepared examples of why you’re concerned.
“If you’ve noticed a change in behavior, like not showing up on time, forgetting things, impulsivity or aggression, that’s tangible evidence of where your concern is coming from,” he says.
You may want to practice the conversation with a friend so that you can express your worries in an objective, calm way, in a safe and private setting.
“Right time and right place are important,” Velez says. “The right time will not be directly after work, around other family members or children, or just before someone goes to sleep.”
Don’t: Start with an intervention.
Maybe you’ve been talking to other friends or family members, and everyone agrees that something needs to be said to the person about their drinking. You may be tempted to gather together for one big conversation or to have an intervention, so everyone can tell the person that they’re worried about them, but Velez says to focus on the one-on-one approach.
“Interventions should not be the first step,” Velez says. “An intervention is a last step, after many conversations have been had, and the problem is continuing or getting worse. As a first step, it would be unsuccessful.”
Interventions should be overseen by trained professionals who can facilitate the conversations, provide resources, and create a plan for change that can be implemented immediately.
Do: Express care and support.
Velez says to think of the conversation as a “care-frontation” rather than a confrontation.
“Express concern and give support and love,” he says. “Have the conversation without any judgment, attacks or shaming.”
Use “I” statements (“I have noticed you are drinking a lot more”) rather than “you” statements (“You keep forgetting things I’ve already told you”) to keep the conversation productive. Using too many “you” statements can lead to blaming and shaming. “I” statements are also a good way to offer concrete examples of how you’ll support your loved one.
“Offer a partnership for this,” Velez says. “Say, ‘I’m here to help or to listen; I can help find you someone to talk to, or I can research support groups and go with you to one.’ Not, ‘You need to talk to someone,’ or, ‘You have to let me take you to this treatment.’”
You don’t have to know for certain what resources your loved one might need. Instead, listen and offer to help them find those resources.
Don’t: Expect immediate change.
You may have prepared, given clear and calm rationale for your worries, and offered small, actionable steps your loved one could take regarding alcohol use. It still may not change anything, especially at first.
“Know that the likely reaction is going to be resistance, defensiveness and then going on the offense,” Velez says. “It’s not pleasant, but it’s normal. That’s how substance use will affect someone’s reaction.”
If your loved one becomes angry, remain calm.
“The more pressure and confrontation you bring, the more that resistance will be returned to you,” Velez says. “Leave space for that resistance. Maybe the conversation won’t go great, but you’ve planted the seeds and told them you’ll be there for them. You can reapproach them at another time.”
Instead of thinking of this as one conversation, Velez says to be ready for multiple conversations and an ongoing process of checking in with your loved one to offer support.
Do: Set and enforce boundaries.
If you’ve expressed concerns to your loved one but notice the problem worsening, you may need to consider what boundaries you need to put in place for your own health and safety, such as not getting into a car with them if they’ve been drinking or prohibiting them from being around your kids after alcohol use.
Sometimes people refer to boundaries as “tough love,” in which there are consequences for not making a change. Velez says it’s more about identifying reasonable steps than reacting with emotion.
“No one has to be tough or cold, but everyone has to establish boundaries to protect themselves and their families,” Velez says. “If your loved one’s drinking is having a regular impact on your responsibilities—you’re missing work or regularly losing sleep, for example—you might have to set a boundary that you’ll leave the house or the other person has to leave the house if drinking continues.”
These boundaries shouldn’t come as a surprise; it’s important to tell your loved one ahead of time that you’ll be making changes based on specific actions or behaviors. You also have to be ready to follow through.
“An alcohol problem thrives when a boundary is flexible,” Velez says. “If the boundary has been discussed and prepared for, then whatever limit that’s been discussed has to be enforced. No second, third or fourth chances.”
Don’t: Neglect self-care.
Worries about a loved one’s drinking can be all-consuming, but it’s important to take care of your own physical, emotional and mental health.
“Keep in mind that you can’t help others if you’re not helping yourself,” Velez says. “Respect yourself and your own self-care. Pay attention to your diet, exercise and sleep as best you can.”
Remember that you don’t have to carry this burden alone; reach out for help, whether that’s from a professional like a therapist or addiction specialist, a support group, or a friend or family member.
“Many people are going through these same challenges,” Velez says. “It can be really helpful to talk to a peer who has gone through it, too.”
Have questions about alcohol? Talk to your doctor, or find one near you.