You say something awkward to the barista making your coffee. I’m an idiot, you think.
Your manager announces a new position that’s perfect for you, but your first thought is: They’d never pick me; I’m not good enough.
You see an old photo pop up on social media and can’t believe how different you looked 10 years ago. I’ve really let myself go; I look so ugly now.
These nasty judgments that come from our own minds are textbook examples of the inner critic.
“An inner critic is an internalized voice that passes judgment in a way that can harm self-esteem and emotional well-being,” says Susannah Matthews, a licensed clinical social worker in UNC’s Department of Psychiatry. “We all have one. You won’t be able to get rid of it, but you can change your relationship to it and keep it in check.”
Here’s what you need to know to keep your inner critic from dominating the conversation.
Why We Have Inner Critics
Your inner critic is trying to keep you safe from harm; the problem is, your brain isn’t always the best judge of what could cause you harm.
“The inner critic has good intentions. It wants you to succeed and to avoid mistakes and criticism from others. It wants to protect you from shame and loss,” Matthews says. “The brain is good at going into threat mode, but the survival brain can’t distinguish between a real threat to your safety and something like feedback from your boss.”
Our brains are wired to want to fit into a community, because there’s safety in numbers. That means you will care what others think of you, and any perceived social mishap can cause your inner critic to worry.
We’re also wired to compete to survive, and we can struggle when we feel we’re not doing as well as everyone else. If scrolling on social media has ever made you feel bad because you don’t have a picture-perfect life, then your inner critic has been triggered.
“Our society has a comparison culture and a highly competitive culture of work and productivity,” Matthews says. “It leads people to worry if they’re enough—smart enough, working hard enough, a good enough parent, spouse or sibling.”
Your inner critic will never tell you that you’re enough, because your brain is too worried about potential threats that could cause you to lose something. And external forces can shape and feed that inner critic: If you had a parent or another influential adult who was overly critical or nitpicky, or who only praised accomplishments, their feedback may have reinforced your inner critic’s strength.
Dangers of the Inner Critic
People sometimes think their inner critic keeps them in line when it comes to working hard or sticking to a plan. If I look at what my friends from college are doing I’ll work harder. I can’t have dessert; I’ll look terrible on my beach vacation that’s coming up.
In reality, the inner critic not only makes you miserable but can keep you from reaching your goals. Constant criticism is not motivating.
“People who are high-achieving are often critical of themselves and may feel that the criticism motivated them to achieve their goals,” Matthews says. “If you’ve been successful, you’re probably successful despite that criticism. It does cause harm to your mental health.”
A loud enough inner critic can stop you from trying a new hobby, applying for a dream job or going on a date—all experiences that can potentially bring joy and fulfillment to life.
“The inner critic is so afraid of failure that people won’t even make an attempt,” Matthews says. “To the inner critic, it’s better not to try at all than risk failing.”
An inner critic that’s particularly harsh or loud can indicate mental health conditions including depression, anxiety, social anxiety and eating disorders.
Recognizing the Inner Critic
You may be so used to your inner critic’s voice that you don’t notice it or can’t separate it from your own thoughts about a situation.
“If the inner critic has been background noise for a long time, the first step is mindful awareness and working to notice it,” Matthews says. “When there’s judgment, slow down and try to notice the words, the tone, the image that comes to mind, how it feels in the body and any body changes that happen as a result.”
One way to recognize your inner critic at work is to consider how you’d advise a friend in the same situation. If a friend came to you, upset because they’d had an embarrassing encounter with a barista in a coffee shop, you’d reassure them that everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes, and that the barista probably didn’t even think it was awkward. If your impulse is to deem yourself the most embarrassing person in the history of the world because of the same encounter, that’s your inner critic running wild.
It’s important to become familiar with and recognize your inner critic, because you want to be able to make accurate judgments of a situation without turning the judgment on yourself.
“You can think, ‘I’m not sure this promotion is a good fit for me right now,’ which is a different thing than your inner critic saying, ‘How could you ever think you could have that job?,’” Matthews says.
Working with a therapist can help you recognize and work with the inner critic.
Changing Your Relationship to the Inner Critic
Once you recognize when your inner critic is active, you can work to change your relationship with it. It won’t ever go away completely, but you can learn to live with it and lessen its influence.
“You have to practice self-compassion, which is not something our brains will do automatically, because our brains are focused on keeping us alive and safe and looking for threats to be eliminated,” Matthews says. “Self-compassion is the opposite of that, so you have to practice it with intentionality.”
If you notice your inner critic, Matthews recommends naming it—“there’s my inner critic”—and then taking some deep breaths. You could place your hands on your chest, shoulders or anywhere else you find soothing, or ask a loved one for a hug. You could visualize an image that represents compassion to you. These physical sensations help your brain engage with the part of the nervous system that knows it’s safe, which makes it easier for you to be kind to yourself.
From that place of safety, it’s easier to engage the inner critic with loving kindness.
“You could simply notice those self-criticisms, and instead of asking if your inner critic is right or wrong, you could ask yourself, ‘Is this helpful?’ and ignore it if it’s not,” Matthews says. “You might talk back to it, and say, ‘I understand why you’re worried, but you don’t have to work so hard to keep me safe.’ With self-compassion, the inner critic might be more willing to step back, to soften its tone of voice, to show up less.”
Matthews says it can be helpful to think of the inner critic as a childlike version of you, one that doesn’t realize you’ve developed skills and survival tools since becoming an adult.
“The inner critic is afraid you can’t handle loss or is afraid something bad will happen to you,” Matthews says. “The younger part of you, in the form of that inner critic, needs reassurance. You can say, ‘If I try for this and don’t get it, I will still be OK. I can handle this.’”
Again, considering what you would tell a friend in a similar situation can be helpful.
“People have an innate desire to have compassion, but we often care for other people and not ourselves,” Matthews says. “Part of self-compassion is an acknowledgement of common humanity, that we all have fears and doubts. It’s part of being human, and it’s what connects you to other humans.”
If you’re struggling with your mental health, talk to your doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.