If you have a loved one who’s been struggling with drinking or drug use, you may have spent years hoping they would get help. And now that moment has come—they’re seeking treatment and are newly sober.
You may feel tremendous relief, but it’s important to remember that this isn’t a magical happy ending. Your loved one is starting a journey that will require care and support.
“For the newly sober, it’s a long process, and as much as we’d like to not have to worry anymore, to never have to look back, that’s not the norm,” says Dan Velez, MSW, a licensed clinical social worker and clinical supervisor at UNC Substance Treatment and Recovery (STAR). “But we know that if a person has family and friends who take an interest and engage in their treatment, the outcome is better, so show up for your loved one.”
Velez shares five ways you can do that.
1. Research what it’s like to be in recovery.
If you’re reading this, you’re already supporting your loved one; Velez says it’s crucial for friends and family to educate themselves about the recovery experience.
“The biggest challenge our families face is a lack of understanding about what it’s like to be newly sober,” he says. “While we’ll never truly understand without lived experience, it’s important to do some research on what it’s like to experience addiction and what it’s like to stop.”
Instead of relying on narratives from movies or television, Velez recommends looking at online resources from organizations related to abuse and recovery, major hospitals or academic medical centers.
“It’s important to understand that the person is being asked to make dramatic life changes in almost an instant,” Velez says. “It’s one of the most challenging and stressful things a person can go through, to have a lot of people—therapists, doctors, family members, peers—telling you what to do. You’re told to stop hanging out with friends you’ve been hanging out with for years, to stop doing the thing you’ve been doing every night for years.”
Even if the person is ready to make a change, that doesn’t mean it’s easy.
“Their brain is telling them, keep doing those things,” Velez says. “It’s important to understand what it’s like to go against that and change everything.”
2. Seek support for yourself.
You can learn more about the process of recovery by joining a support group for family and friends, such as Al-Anon or SMART Recovery’s Family and Friends program, but these groups will also provide you with the tools you need to take care of yourself during this process.
“When you seek support for yourself, that will help you give support to the other person,” Velez says.
Practice self-care by exercising, eating well and relieving stress with activities you enjoy. You may want to pursue therapy so that you can work through your own emotions about your loved one’s substance use and recovery.
You might consider couples or family therapy with your loved one, particularly if you want to address challenges or negative emotions from before your loved one entered treatment.
“A therapist can make sure that communication is facilitated and moderated properly,” Velez says. “When that conversation happens, be ready to hear what part you may have played in a situation, like shaming them or enabling them to drink alcohol by purchasing it or going to a bar with them.”
3. Show up with support, not judgment.
A simple offer of support and a willingness to show up will go a long way for a person in recovery.
“Offer help, offer transportation, offer to be involved in their recovery or to go to meetings with them,” Velez says. “Give space for the person to be heard and listen to what they have to say.”
It’s important to offer to go, but not demand to go.
“Be willing to participate, but don’t take over the treatment,” he says. “We don’t want a spouse or another loved one to be the addiction counselor. The spouse should still be the spouse. You should love, support and encourage the person to get back on their feet.”
Learning how to support someone in recovery can be tricky for partners or friends who may have previously enabled substance use. It may feel like you’re not being loving because you’re not helping them do what they want to do anymore. It can hurt to stop making excuses for them or to say “no” if they ask you to help them drink or do drugs.
Your loved one’s treatment team can help you identify and understand those behaviors; in the meantime, Velez says to be mindful of your tone and what you say.
“Don’t blame, shame or judge,” he says. “There’s already enough of that in these situations. The important tip here is to use ‘I’ statements, like ‘I feel’ or ‘I notice,’ rather than saying, ‘You did this,’ or ‘You did that.’”
4. Find new activities to do with your loved one.
Velez says that a sober person may tell you that it’s fine if you drink around them, or that they’re OK going to a place where alcohol is served, but it’s best to consider alternatives.
“A newly sober person may not want their loved ones to have to change their behavior, so they’ll say that people around them can continue to drink,” Velez says. “Consider taking a trial of sobriety yourself, and find places where alcohol use is not in close proximity.”
While your loved one may think they can remain strong and refuse a drink, choosing an event without alcohol means they don’t have to see it and think about it. If your social activities with this person are built around watching sports in bars or dinners at restaurants known for their cocktail menus, consider new activities like hiking, game nights or going to the movies.
“Find an activity where you can give all the love and friendship, without doing any of the enabling of being near alcohol,” Velez says. “Instead of just saying you won’t go to the bar, say, ‘Let’s find new stuff to do together.’”
5. Know that relapse is common.
Understand that you may give all of the love and support in the world, and your loved one might still relapse.
“Relapses are normal and do happen,” Velez says. “We tell people that we’ll do everything we can to support them so that relapse is less likely, but we also tell them there will be a way to recover and get back on their feet if needed.”
It may take time to learn how not to be constantly worried about a relapse.
“The loved one has to do their best to fulfill their own needs and goals and live their own life,” Velez says. “It takes some healthy detachment to know that there’s a possibility of relapse while also doing what’s within our control to provide support.”
If you have questions or concerns about alcohol or substance use, talk to your doctor. Need a doctor? Find one near you.