If you’re a parent whose child is struggling with mental health, getting them into therapy is a major step in the right direction. A therapist can help your child develop skills for a happier and more fulfilling life, but they’ll need your partnership along the way.
“Communication is the most important thing parents do when their child is in therapy,” says Emily Carter Cox, MSW, a UNC Health clinical social worker and therapist. “The role of the parent is to communicate their support for the child as well as be in touch with the therapist to understand what’s happening.”
Cox offers five ways parents can help during treatment. (Ask your child’s therapist for more specific advice unique to your family’s situation.)
1. Respect the privacy and freedom of your child’s therapy.
It’s important your child has a sense that their therapy belongs to them—that they have choices in what they want to discuss and an expectation of privacy, even from mom and dad.
Each state has laws about a minor’s confidentiality rights, so the information your child’s therapist shares with you will depend on their age. Regardless, Cox says you can expect regular contact with your child’s therapist even if you don’t get a detailed accounting of what happens in a therapy session.
“It’s helpful if the child knows that what they say is protected, but you’ll be able to get a sense of what the child is working on and the therapist’s perspective,” Cox says.
What you say to your child before or after a session can affect your child’s perception of that privacy or ability to communicate freely with their therapist. It’s often not helpful to remind your child to talk about a certain issue or to check after to see if they did.
“If you’re concerned about something that has happened between sessions, call or email your child’s therapist and tell them rather than bringing it up to your child right before they go in for a session,” Cox says.
Your child may want to talk about what they did in therapy, but they may not, and it’s important to allow them to lead that conversation.
“Rather than asking what they talk about or do in therapy, it’s reasonable to ask your child if they feel comfortable with their therapist,” Cox says. “That shows you value that your child is in a safe place.”
2. Be open to the therapist’s feedback.
Your child’s therapist will have ideas about support or adjustments your child needs, and it’s important to consider those suggestions.
“When the parent is open to what the therapist has to offer or say, that goes a long way to supporting the child’s treatment,” Cox says. “It shows the child that the therapist and parent are aligned to work together.”
Still, if you don’t agree with something, speak up.
“We encourage kids to be open and honest with their therapist, and parents should do the same,” Cox says. “If you feel the therapist is off in an assessment, bring it forward. It’s good for a therapist to hear those concerns, and they can often use that information constructively.”
Be mindful of when your reaction might be a result of feeling judged or defensive about your parenting.
“In therapy, we expect children to open up about things happening in the home that they may not have shared with their parents, and that’s a vulnerable position for parents to be in,” Cox says. “A defensive position can be typical, and therapists understand that. They can engage with parents through those difficult parts.”
3. Understand treatment takes time.
When your child has a cold or a broken bone, there is usually a clear timeline for recovery. With therapy, progress isn’t always linear or predictable, and that can be frustrating when you’re worried about your child’s well-being.
“Your therapist should have a conversation with you about what to expect, but it can be hard to know how long therapy will take, especially at the beginning,” Cox says. “There should be regular contact so that you understand when something new has come up or if it’s possible for therapy to come to an end.”
If your child says they don’t want to go to therapy anymore, bring those concerns to the therapist.
“Kids can refuse therapy for a lot of different reasons,” Cox says. “They may not feel connected to their therapist. It’s also common for therapy to get difficult as they deal with emotionally vulnerable material, and they may not want to go as much because it’s hard.”
Your child’s therapist will be able to help you determine your next best steps based on their understanding of the child’s situation.
Maintaining your patience during the therapy process may be especially difficult if your child went through a crisis or if you have concerns about their safety.
“A therapist can help with an emergency or safety plan,” Cox says. “The therapist should have ideas for parents about what to do, how urgent the situation feels and what’s reasonable for that family’s situation.”
4. Maintain consistency.
You may feel like life needs to be paused while your child is working through an issue, but they will benefit from routine.
“No matter what a child is struggling with, consistency is important,” Cox says. “You should maintain consistency with expectations, consequences and routines.”
Cox says bedtime routines, in particular, are helpful so children and teenagers get the sleep they need for school and to feel their best. You also can encourage other healthy habits, such as exercise.
If your child is taking medication as part of their treatment, make administering it (or asking an older teen if they’ve taken it) a regular part of a daily routine. Your child’s therapist can help you if you need a developmentally appropriate way to explain a medication or why it’s used.
5. Provide space for open conversation.
Even if your child or teen doesn’t want to talk to you, provide regular reminders that you’re available.
“Be direct and say, ‘I’m here, I love you, I support you, you can talk to me if you want,’” Cox says. “With more pointed questions, the less you typically get from an older kid, so try to just provide open space to share.”
Cox says children in therapy and their siblings may benefit from a regularly scheduled one-on-one activity with a parent, which provides an opportunity to talk and connect.
And make sure you approach the subjects of mental health and therapy with positivity so you don’t pass on any stigma or fear. You can also point out steps you’re taking to help your own mental health.
“If a parent is seeing their own therapist, it’s OK to let your kids know,” Cox says. “It’s OK for parents to say, ‘I need help with my feelings, too, and it helps to have someone to talk to.’”
If you’re worried about your child’s mental health, talk to a doctor or find one near you.