New babies are famously inconsistent sleepers, waking up often—day and night—to eat. They might struggle to nap during the day or get back to sleep after a 3 a.m. diaper change.
And of course, if you’re their parent, you’ll struggle right along with them. Those early weeks and months of sleep deprivation can be difficult, but try to keep in mind, they will end. Eventually, your baby will sleep, and everyone in the household can get some rest.
In the hopes of getting that rest a little sooner, some parents choose to sleep train, which is “helping your child learn the important skill of falling asleep and staying asleep independently,” says UNC Health pediatrician Priyanka Rao, MD.
There are several different methods for this process, so finding the one that’s right for you and your family is key. Dr. Rao reviews some questions you can ask yourself and your baby’s doctor if you’re considering sleep training.
1. Is my baby ready for sleep training?
A baby younger than 4 months old is too young for sleep training, Dr. Rao says. When newborns cry, it likely represents a need—hunger, a dirty diaper, discomfort—that a caregiver needs to respond to.
But “there’s a lot of data that shows when kids are 4 months old, their brain and body are ready for this skill,” Dr. Rao says. “At that point, it’s not stressful for the baby, and there’s no harm to them.”
You don’t have to start right at the four-month mark, but Dr. Rao says that most babies go through a sleep regression between 4 and 6 months of age that signals readiness. That means they start waking up more often, which actually means their sleep cycles are maturing and they may be ready to learn new sleep skills.
If your baby isn’t ready to sleep train, they still can benefit from a simple bedtime routine starting as early as 2 or 3 months old.
“Just as adults do things like change their clothes and wash their faces to help their brain and body know it’s time for sleep, you can help your baby know there are activities that indicate it’s bedtime,” Dr. Rao says. “Giving the baby a bath, feeding the baby and reading some stories together can signal to your baby that they’re getting ready to sleep.”
2. Which sleep training method should I use?
In the early months of your baby’s life, you typically help them fall asleep by feeding them, rocking them or holding them, and then you transfer them to their crib once they’re asleep. The goal of all sleep training methods is for your baby to be able to fall asleep in their crib on their own, without needing that assistance from you.
“Babies build an association with being soothed by a parent to sleep,” Dr. Rao says. “You have to separate that association of the parent and falling asleep. When you put the baby down when they’re drowsy, but still awake, they recognize the environment and learn to soothe themselves.”
At first, your baby won’t be used to this process, and they’ll cry. Where the various methods for sleep training differ is what you do when that happens. Here are a few of the common approaches:
- When your baby cries, you let them cry without going back into their room. Eventually, they learn to go to sleep on their own, but it may take a few nights of prolonged crying. (You may hear this referred to as the extinction method or “cry it out.”)
- When your baby cries, you set a timer. If your baby is still crying five to 10 minutes later, you can enter the room, provide brief comfort by caressing them or speaking in a soothing voice, but then you leave again, resetting the timer for the desired interval. Gradually, you increase the intervals for checking in.
- Instead of leaving the room, you sit or stand by the side of the crib so your baby knows you’re present, gradually moving a little further away each night. Again, you might provide brief comfort, but you don’t hold or rock the child to sleep.
There are additional variations, and as a new parent, you might get a lot of advice as to which is best.
“I encourage parents to do what works best for their family,” Dr. Rao says. “Just because a strategy worked for someone else doesn’t mean it will work for you.”
The process is difficult, because it’s hard to hear your baby cry.
“The first few nights will be challenging, but they will learn to soothe themselves,” Dr. Rao says, noting that most babies adjust in less than a week when parents are consistent in their approach.
When your baby wakes in the middle of the night, Dr. Rao says your approach will vary based on the baby’s age and feeding needs. If they need to be fed, you’d still want to put them back in their crib before they fall asleep in your arms to reinforce the skill they’re learning at bedtime. If they no longer need a nighttime feeding, then you’d want to teach them to return to sleep on their own by using these same strategies.
3. Are all caregivers prepared to follow the chosen sleep training strategy?
Before you start a sleep training method, be sure that everyone who helps to care for the baby will follow the same protocol.
“No version is perfect, but try to pick one and stick with it,” Dr. Rao says. “It’s confusing for the baby to get variable reinforcement.”
For example, Dr. Rao says that the extinction method typically takes about four or five nights if it’s done consistently, but your progress will slow if one parent decides on night three to start doing timed check-ins. If you’re taking turns with your partner sitting in your baby’s room, and one parent continues to pick up the baby to soothe them, the baby will not break the association between sleep and the parent.
4. Is this the right time for our family to do this?
Just as sticking with one method is important, you want to pick a span of nights when you can apply your preferred approach consistently.
“Be ready to commit, because it’s a more challenging process for you and the baby if you’re not doing it every night,” Dr. Rao says. “Don’t try to do this when you’re on vacation, if you have family members visiting, if there’s a big work deadline coming up or if there’s some other big change.”
Dr. Rao says that you should find a week that you can focus on this process, though you may not need that long.
5. How will I handle the crying?
Once you’ve picked a time for sleep training, think through your own self-care and mental health for that time.
“Let it be a week where you order in food, where you have your favorite snacks on hand,” Dr. Rao says. “Maybe pick a favorite show that you’ll watch as distraction.”
This is also where being on the same page with your partner is crucial. Talk with them about how you’ll feel when you hear the baby cry.
“Sometimes, if one parent knows they’re not going to be able to handle the crying of the preferred plan, they might make a plan for the other parent to be on duty while they put on headphones or go for a walk outside,” Dr. Rao says.
It’s also helpful to remember that, for many families, making it through a temporary crying stage can lead to a greater good: quality sleep for baby and everyone else in the family.
“You can focus on how this is the first of many times as a parent that you’re helping your child learn a skill that’s important for growth and development,” Dr. Rao says. “You’re setting them up for success with the gift of being able to soothe themselves, which they have to do for the rest of their life.”
6. What happens if I just can’t do this?
If the idea of listening from the next room as your baby cries seems unbearable, you’re not alone.
“I have open and candid conversations with parents, and this is just not something they want to do, and that’s OK,” Dr. Rao says. “You know what’s best for your child and your family.”
You may choose to wait until your child is a little bit older and has some language so you can talk with them about going to sleep (but bear in mind that you may then hear talking and shouting as opposed to crying when you leave).
“The challenge is that as they get older, the child will have a stronger association of the parent being there,” Dr. Rao says. “It can take longer to break that association and settle into a new routine, but it’s never too late to sleep train.”
As children begin school and have more of a set rhythm to their day, as well as some independence, they may naturally start going to sleep on their own more easily.
If you’re not sure what’s best for your family, or if you’ve tried one method and couldn’t stick to it, Dr. Rao encourages you to speak to your child’s doctor—and to be kind to yourself.
“Not being successful with sleep training doesn’t say anything about you as a parent,” Dr. Rao says. “Your child’s doctor can help you talk through the options and strategize if you want to try again. Remember, we’re all human, and we’re all just trying to do what’s best for our kids.”
If you have questions about your child’s sleep, talk to their doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.