Puberty can be hard on the kid going through it and the parent trying to help them.
Your child is going through physical changes that can be awkward and embarrassing. As a parent, you may struggle with your child’s mood swings and wonder how you can help when they seem to be pulling away.
Take a deep breath. While this time period may feel messy and complicated, it’s an important and normal part of growing up, says UNC Health pediatrician Bianca Allison, MD, MPH.
“What I love about puberty is that it’s a sign that the child’s body is working as it should, and that they’re starting a journey to independence,” she says. “A child becoming more independent is a healthy sign of development, and it shows that a parent has done a good job.”
Dr. Allison shares some tips for supporting your child through this transition while taking care of yourself, too.
What to Expect When Your Child Goes Through Puberty
Puberty begins when the brain starts producing hormones that travel to the ovaries or testes, causing them to produce estrogen or testosterone and starting the physical and emotional changes associated with puberty.
For girls, this process typically begins between the ages of 8 and 13.
“Puberty for a girl starts with breast development, with some pubic and underarm hair growth at the same time, followed by a growth spurt,” Dr. Allison says. “Two to three years after that, it’s typical to have a first period, between the ages of 10 and 15 years old.”
For boys, puberty starts between ages 9 and 14 and the growth spurt comes later in the process.
“For boys, the process starts with testes enlargement and pubic and underarm hair growth,” Dr. Allison says. “Voice changes and facial hair growth start to happen when a boy is between 11 and 17 years old.”
Both boys and girls will experience changes in body odor and oily skin, usually resulting in acne. And both will experience big emotional changes, thanks to all those hormones.
“There will be mood shifts and swings, and they’ll seem more sensitive,” Dr. Allison says. “They may start to push against boundaries and seek more independence. This is a time when peers become a primary source of influence, rather than parents.”
If you don’t see any signs of puberty by age 13 or 14, talk to your child’s doctor.
How to Support Your Child During Puberty
- Talk early and often.
Your child should know these changes are coming, so don’t wait until puberty begins to talk about them. When a child asks about why their body is different from a parent’s or where babies come from, it opens the door to discuss this transition and what it means in an age-appropriate way.
“Recognize that it’s an ongoing conversation, not a one-time thing that has to go absolutely right,” Dr. Allison says. “Talk broadly about puberty or sex when a child asks, and then layer on more details and specifics when it’s appropriate.”
And once changes do start—to them or to someone in their friend group—continue the conversation.
“Reassure and normalize that everyone goes through puberty, and that there are different paces for everyone,” Dr. Allison says.
- Ask open-ended questions.
Not sure how to start these conversations?
“Bring up the changes you notice, because that can reassure the child that the parent is present and sees them,” Dr. Allison says. “Then ask broad, open-ended questions so you can meet the child where they are.”
Here are some open-ended conversation starters to try:
- I remember my body changing when I was younger; what have you been noticing? How do you feel about that? Is there anything you’re confused about?
- Have you heard your friends talking about these body changes? What are you seeing on social media about this?
- Are any of your friends dating? How do you feel about that?
- What are you doing to take care of yourself right now? Do you need any help shopping for things that you need for self-care? (These questions can be helpful to start conversations about body odor, skin care, menstrual products, and healthy eating and movement.)
These conversations give you an opportunity to see what your child knows and their primary concerns. When you’re calm and honest during these conversations, your child will see that you are a trusted resource.
“If they’re getting misinformation from friends or social media, you can protect against that by being a source of high-quality, truthful information,” Dr. Allison says. “It’s helpful when parents are seen as ‘askable.’”
- Provide multiple ways to communicate.
If you or your child are struggling with in-person conversations, offer other options.
“You could say, ‘I know you’re not interested in having this conversation with me right now, but if you ever have questions, you could write it to me in a text or a note,’” Dr. Allison says.
Remember that these conversations about puberty might happen as part of other talks, so make an effort to spend time with your child.
“Any conversation about the child’s life will show them you want to engage,” Dr. Allison says. “Take any opportunity for one-on-one time that you can, even if it’s in the car. Asking about things they’re proud of, their strengths—those can be really helpful to the relationship and boost self-esteem.”
- Know that your pediatrician will help.
Your child’s doctor is here to help you and your child through this transition.
“We’re measuring physical development and talking to you and the child about the changes we see,” Dr. Allison says. “We can help answer questions about specific changes, like periods or acne, and we’ll ask questions about anxiety and depression, social pressure and body image.”
Sometimes it might be easier for your child to talk to trusted adults who aren’t their parent. That’s why your pediatrician will begin to offer your teen the opportunity to talk one-on-one as part of their appointments.
If you’re struggling with conversations about puberty or sex, ask your pediatrician for resources. They may recommend books or videos that will give you and your child a shared vocabulary for these topics.
- Be a role model.
While it may seem like your adolescent cares only about the opinions of their peers, they’re still watching you to learn how to act as an adult. Be sure to model the healthy habits that will help them now and in the future.
“This is a time of self-consciousness for a child, the beginning of negative self-talk and challenges with body image,” Dr. Allison says. “It helps if you stay positive and show that you prioritize self-care, like movement, nutrition and sleep.”
Your approach to emotion regulation and relationships also influences your child.
“When a kid is having a mood swing, they will learn from how you respond,” Dr. Allison says. “It’s important to model things like taking a deep breath, naming your feelings, taking a break, or making repairs if feelings are hurt.”
Your child may not like your rules, especially as they’re trying to become more independent, but know that you’re also showing how to set and enforce boundaries.
“If family dinner is important to you, it’s OK to say that they can’t have other activities during that time, or that they have to be there at least once a week,” Dr. Allison says. “Make it a two-way conversation, so a kid can tell you if something important is in conflict with a boundary, but it’s OK to say no and set limits.”
- Take care of yourself, too.
Watching your child become an adult isn’t easy.
“Give yourself permission to feel all the feelings—joy, nostalgia, sadness, anxiety,” Dr. Allison says. “Embrace your feelings as normal. You might even share them with your child. Your conversations during this journey are an opportunity to build solid relationships that last a lifetime.”
Reach out to your friends for support, especially those who may be going through the same stage with their kids.
On the hard days, give yourself grace—and credit for getting this far.
“You are the stable ground that your child launches from,” Dr. Allison says. “Your presence, patience and expressions of love during this time matter so much.”
Questions about puberty? Talk to a doctor, and if you need a doctor, find one near you.