One day, your child seems fine. The next, they’re complaining about a stomachache, melting down at the grocery store and not sleeping through the night. They don’t seem to be sick, so what’s going on?
Your child might be stressed.
That can sound odd, because you’re probably dealing with a ton of stress yourself, and it might be hard to understand why a 7-year-old is feeling the same way you do when they don’t have any adult responsibilities.
But you can be stressed whether you’re 4 or 104, and the younger you are, the less likely you are to understand what you’re feeling.
“Stress in children can look similar to stress in adults in some ways, but you might also see more behavior changes because children are trying to express something they have less ability to work through and share verbally ,” says Julia Taylor, a UNC Health licensed clinical social worker, psychoeducational consultant and therapist.
“You might see a child who is usually outgoing becoming more reserved, changes in sleep, more upsets and meltdowns, changes in eating. They might talk about their body hurting.”
Taylor explains how you can support your child when they’re feeling stressed.
-
Validate their emotions.
Acknowledging and validating your child’s stress is an important part of supporting them through it, even if the problem seems minor to you.
“As adults, we can forget what it was like to experience something as a child. Things that are routine for us, like a doctor’s appointment, can feel like a really big deal to them,” Taylor says. “Kids can be very affected by a change in routine or a switch from what they were expecting, like their teacher being out at school.”
It can be easier for adults to remember the stressors of middle and high school—more tests, questions about college or career, friendship drama, romantic relationships. But while you may have learned that one bad grade or a fight with a friend is not the end of the world, your child hasn’t, and you’re probably not going to be able to convince them.
“We have the gift of hindsight, but take yourself back to that teenage mindset, when that one friendship was the most important thing or not getting the grade you wanted was devastating,” Taylor says. “Rather than saying, ‘it’s not a big deal’ and ‘it’ll be fine,’ acknowledge that it’s hard and painful, and that you’re there to help them get through it.”
-
Help them articulate how they’re feeling.
Stress is a tricky feeling to understand and describe, and it can even be tricky for adults to realize when they’re stressed. You may need to help your child realize that the way they feel is linked to worry.
Taylor recommends “wondering language” to help children build the skill of labeling and sharing their feelings.
“You might say, ‘Your tummy is hurting. I wonder if you’re feeling worried about having a new teacher in your classroom tomorrow. Sometimes my tummy hurts when I’m feeling stressed.’ Lay that groundwork and see if they’ll engage.”
Teens have a better understanding of stress, but that doesn’t mean they’ll always admit how they’re feeling. Maintaining open lines of communication will help you understand the stressors they’re facing.
“Even if they’re not saying anything, you can address behavioral changes you see,” Taylor says. “Open the door for a conversation. You might say, ‘I’ve noticed you’ve been in your room a little bit more recently and I just wanted to check in and see how you’re doing.’”
Kids may not want to talk about their stress right away, so keep reminding your children that you’re there for them if they do want to talk about anything.
-
Teach—and model—coping strategies.
Coping strategies for stress aren’t one-size-fits-all; some people need a vigorous workout to feel better, others need time alone to meditate or enjoy their favorite hobby. Try to show your child options for handling stress and encourage them to try different things to see what helps.
“It can take some trial and error, but work off of what you know about your child,” Taylor says. “Some kids respond to movement. Some might like to have a worry box, where they can write down what they’re stressed about and put it in the box.”
Distraction also can help; draw a picture or run an errand together and tell them they can check back in on their stress later.
Point out when you use your own stress management techniques. If you’re frustrated with traffic, tell your child that you’re taking some deep breaths; if you’re off to the gym because you’re tense about a work deadline, say so.
Be mindful about how your own stress can add to your child’s and try to manage your own stress.
“If you’re spiraling about your child’s whole future because they failed a math test, that’s a reminder to check in with how you’re taking care of yourself and managing stress,” Taylor says. “Trust that if your child has failed a test, for example, they are likely feeling the heaviness of this and don’t need you to lay more stress on top of it.”
When anyone in your home is stressed, it’s helpful to emphasize healthy habits like regular meals, movement and adequate sleep.
“Being hungry or tired can make thinking clearly and coping with big feelings more difficult,” Taylor says.
-
Remember that stress is an opportunity for your child to learn.
It’s painful as a parent when your child is upset, but it’s not your job to remove all sources of stress from their life. Instead, focus on teaching them how to handle their uncomfortable feelings in new or difficult situations.
You can share your own experiences of stressful times, which can reassure your child that you understand why something is difficult, but resist telling them exactly what to do. Instead, ask if they’d like your help problem-solving or if they would just like you to listen.
“When you’re overwhelmed, it can be helpful to break things down into smaller steps, so help your child look at chunking it down and making a plan,” Taylor says. “Other kids just want to talk and have someone listen while they figure things out on their own.”
Try to let your child take next steps on their own as much as possible, depending on their age. That might mean encouraging a child to go to a social gathering where they don’t know many people but making a plan to come get them if they’re ready after a set period of time. If your child gets stressed about tests or is worried about their grades, ask if they’d like your help making a study plan or if they want to practice asking their teacher for help.
If you’re worried about how often your child is stressed, or the severity of their stress, start by talking to their doctor.
“It’s important to give kids opportunities to build grit and resilience,” Taylor says. “Acknowledge that some of these things are hard and scary but that they can give it a try.”
If you’re stressed because your child is stressed, talk to your doctor or find one near you.