You’re sitting down to dinner with your family when you get a text from your boss, asking if you can complete a task that evening—and you do, missing dinner, because you’re worried you’ll upset him if you don’t attend to the request immediately.
Or maybe you’re about to book a trip with your spouse for the long holiday weekend when your mother calls to tell you she’d like to host the extended family for that holiday. You agree to make her happy, even though you always end up arguing with your sister-in-law and sleeping poorly.
In life, we have to do some things we’d rather not. But if you find yourself repeatedly saying yes to requests only to avoid upsetting someone else, or if you consistently prioritize others’ needs at the expense of your own, you may need to consider your personal boundaries.
Boundaries are the limits you place on your time, physical space and emotions, and maintaining them is critical to your health.
“We’re all responsible for our own well-being, so we have to set limits and find that balance,” says Susannah Matthews, a licensed clinical social worker in UNC’s Department of Psychiatry. “You have to let go of that control over other people’s responses and identify what you’re willing to do for others without sacrificing your needs.”
Examples of Personal Boundaries
There are many different types of boundaries. Some examples include:
Physical and material boundaries: These boundaries relate to your comfort sharing your physical space or personal belongings and resources. For example, you may not want to let a friend borrow a favorite sweater, your parent to come into your bedroom unannounced or to hug someone you just met.
Emotional boundaries: These boundaries relate to recognizing and respecting your own emotional responses and needs as well as not feeling responsible for other people’s emotions. For example, if a coworker is upset at your boss, it doesn’t mean you have to feel the same anger and frustration; or, if you know a topic of conversation will make you upset, you have the right to ask that it’s not discussed.
Time boundaries: We all have a finite amount of time in a day, and we need to make decisions about how we spend that time. That includes being able to say no to a work task so you can balance work and personal responsibilities, declining a social activity because you don’t want to attend, or placing limits on when and how you use your phone or social media, which could mean telling a friend you can’t text with them when you’re with your family.
Everyone will have different boundaries, and you may only realize you need a boundary when you notice how you feel around certain people or how you respond to requests.
“You may notice that you’re resentful of people or feel that you do more for them than they do for you,” Matthews says. “You may notice you want to distance yourself from certain people because you’re afraid you’ll be asked for something. You might feel overwhelmed, burned out or exhausted.”
Because boundaries vary from person to person, we can’t expect others to know our own limits or priorities, and it can be hard to feel like we’re letting someone down or being unkind.
How to Set a Boundary
Setting a boundary starts with identifying your own needs and values. For example, if you’re trying to set a boundary around not working extra hours beyond your scheduled workday, it is helpful to remind yourself that you want to be present for your children or that you deserve rest and relaxation in your off hours. If a week with your in-laws leaves you tired and irritable, remind yourself that you don’t want your other relationships to suffer and that’s why you have to limit how much time you spend with family.
“Know why you’re saying no to something,” Matthews says. “If you’re saying no to something, it’s about saying yes to something else—self-care or work-life balance.”
If you’re ready to set a limit with someone, Matthews recommends writing down and practicing what you want to say. You don’t have to make a big speech with a long list of reasons for the boundary, but your communication should be clear and direct. Be confident and assertive about your limits by using “I” statements. A therapist can help with preparing for and having these types of conversations.
Think through how you’ll enforce the boundary on your end. If you’ve told your boss that you’re not available past 5 p.m., then you have to take responsibility for not looking at your device or answering emails.
“With technology and increased remote work, the boundary between work and life is more tenuous,” Matthews says. “If you’re trying to set boundaries for a work-life balance, you might need to have a specific place in your house that’s only for work or to go outside to mark the end of the day.”
Setting and Enforcing Boundaries May Take Time
Establishing a boundary is typically not a one-time conversation.
“In a perfect world, you’d say what you want and need, and it would be done, but we don’t live in a perfect world,” Matthews says. “Recognize that this is hard, and accept that some boundaries need to be persistently negotiated. Be a broken record about your needs and limits.”
There may also be situations where the boundary can’t be immediately honored but might be able to be negotiated. In the workplace, for example, you may try to say no to a task but be told you have to do it, but perhaps it begins a conversation about your workload. Maybe you can’t avoid having your family visit during a busy time of year, but instead of them staying for a week, you agree on three days.
If you feel someone constantly violates boundaries you’ve set, you may have to reassess your relationship with them, but be aware of if you’re contributing to the issue. For example, it might be important to you to be seen as a good friend or a hard-working employee, so you’ll immediately respond to a friend or coworker’s call, only to be drawn into a lengthy conversation that leaves you drained or a new assignment you don’t have time for.
“With phones, there’s an increased sense that you have to respond to something immediately, so maybe you say yes to something really fast that you regret later,” Matthews says. “You can say, ‘I’ve seen this; I’ll respond later,’ and then take a moment to consider what’s being asked of you.”
It takes practice to get better at saying no and not feeling responsible for the other person’s response, so start small if necessary. If saying no never feels like an option, interrogate why.
“Some jobs and people don’t make setting boundaries easy, but question the story in your head from time to time,” Matthews says. “Is it 100 percent true that you will get fired or that someone will be disappointed if you say no to something? Then, look at what really matters to you. Is the possibility of your boss’s disappointment more important than going to your kid’s recital?”
Boundaries Can Change
It’s normal for your personal boundaries to shift over time.
“When you’re less stressed, your boundaries may not need to be as firm,” Matthews says. “If you’re really stressed or getting ready to take on new responsibilities, you might need to be stricter.”
You might also find that you’ve set too many boundaries, or boundaries that are too strict.
“Anything taken to an extreme can be maladaptive, and boundaries can be used to keep people at a distance,” Matthews says. “Rigid boundaries can get in the way of meaningful relationships and our ability to get close to people. You may struggle with setting healthy boundaries if you haven’t seen it modeled.”
It’s never too late to implement or adjust a boundary, either.
“If you consent to something, you can always take that consent back,” Matthews says. “Be honest and acknowledge that you said yes, but the situation has changed and you can’t take something on. You’re allowed to change your mind.”
Feeling stressed or burned out? Talk to your doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.