Friendship is important at any age—friends enhance our lives by offering support and community. Activities can be more fun with a friend by your side, and tough times are made more bearable with the love of a friend.
However, no one is born knowing how to be a friend, which is important to remember if you have children struggling to find connection.
“The capacity to make friends requires skills that develop slowly for kids,” says UNC Health licensed clinical social worker and therapist Lindsey Atkins. “Friendship requires the ability to attend to another person’s feelings and needs. You have to be able to engage in reciprocal activity and share. There are strong feelings to handle, like love and trust but also rejection and frustration. It requires being able to manage impulses, problem-solve and deal with the unpredictable.”
No matter how old your child is, you’re probably eager to help them develop these skills and find their community. Atkins provides some tips for supporting your child socially.
1. Model and teach friendship behaviors.
Parents are their children’s first teachers, so start modeling the skills of friendship for your little one.
“Children are watching how their parents interact and communicate with others,” Atkins says. “They see how you listen and take turns, or how you argue and then repair the situation.”
Toddlers and preschoolers need to learn the language of friendship, so if you’re supervising a playdate, you could narrate what’s working well and offer ideas.
“Very young children learn best in the moment, so it’s difficult to prepare them for how to interact and then expect that they’ll do it an hour later,” Atkins says. “Modeling and help during interactions is often necessary. You might say, ‘Look at your friend’s face; they’re sad you took that block,’ or, ‘I see that when you shared a crayon with your friend, they smiled.’”
As they reach adolescence, children may not want you involved in their social life, but you can still model healthy friendship behaviors. For example, if you’d like to encourage a teen who is chatting online with a school friend to meet up in person, they should see you prioritizing face-to-face get-togethers with your own friends.
2. Be a supportive sounding board.
With young children, you often provide support in the moment, helping them resolve a playground conflict or encouraging them to join in on activities with other children. As your children get older, you won’t be by their side at school or a party to help them navigate a clique or talk to someone new. You can still provide support from a distance by maintaining open lines of communication.
“Hold space for your kids to talk about what’s going on,” Atkins says. “You may want to try to solve a problem for them, but spend a lot of time listening before suggesting something. Then, ask if they want ideas for how to sort things out. If they do, you can share stories from your own childhood friendships or help them consider how various situations might play out. Often, it’s the being present and listening, not the problem-solving, that is most helpful to children.”
There may be times when you’re concerned about one of your child’s friends and wonder if you should step in and stop a friendship. It can be helpful to pause and consider not just the troubling aspects of the friendship but also what may be drawing your child to this friend.
“Ask your child what they like about a friendship and look at what might be keeping them connected to this other person,” Atkins says. “That gives you a way to talk about what there is to celebrate about this friend as well as your concerns.”
3. Use books, shows and toys to talk about friendship.
It can be hard to get your child to talk about their friends or concerns they have about friendship. It can be easier to get your child to open up by using pop culture.
“For younger kids, read books about characters having a hard time with friendship, or watch shows like “Sesame Street” or “Bluey,” which show friendships and their struggles,” Atkins says. “Talk with them about what they’re seeing.”
Younger children can work through their issues or questions during play; Atkins encourages using dolls or stuffed animals to practice having conversations with friends or to show how friends can resolve a disagreement.
The shows, books and movies your teen selects also can give you a way to discuss their friends.
“It’s good to see characters struggle and sort things out and deal with the messiness of friendships,” Atkins says. “Be curious about what shows or books your teen is into and talk about what the characters are going through. Watching something with them is a great bonding experience and avenue for conversation. It’s one way to show them your ability to talk about hard topics such as peer pressure, bullying and heartbreak.”
4. Have patience and consider your own expectations.
If you notice your child is having trouble making or keeping friends, it’s natural to want quick solutions. Unfortunately, there may not be any.
“I know how painful it is for parents to see a child struggle, and they want a way out,” Atkins says. “The way out is usually time, patience and practice. With understanding and support, friendship skills will develop.”
That may mean letting go of expectations of how many and what kind of friends your child should have, as well as resisting the urge to push your child to interact with potential friends when they’re not ready.
“Sometimes parents and children don’t share the same needs or desires when it comes to friendships,” Atkins says. “It’s important to consider the ways we are similar and different from our children, as well as the ways our own hopes and dreams may not align with what the child actually wants or is capable of.”
If your child is slow to warm up to new situations and large groups, an activity like a birthday party may require extra time on the sidelines before the child is ready to engage.
“Parents can get worried and push their kid to join in too soon,” Atkins says. “Encouraging children to do hard things is important, but learning the skills of friendship can’t happen when a child is overwhelmed or stressed. Take opportunities to encourage and allow them to go at their own pace.”
5. Ask for help.
If you’re worried about your child’s social experience, remember that your own friends and people in your community are there for you as a sounding board.
“Parents deserve support too, so tap into your own friends for help with the stresses of parenting,” Atkins says. “You can also lean into other professionals, like your child’s pediatrician or teachers, who can provide insight if your child is having a hard time.”
Your child’s teachers may be able to identify some of the specific skills of friendship your child could focus on strengthening. For some children and teens, working with a therapist can be helpful for improving those skills and navigating social concerns.
“Friendship is always going to be challenging,” Atkins says. “Parents can provide support, and then there are layers of support available for parents as well.”
If you have questions or concerns about your child’s development, talk to their doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.