The sister-in-law who is judgmental of your parenting and asks intrusive questions about your finances. The uncle who wants to debate politics and becomes belligerent when he’s had too much to drink. The parent who treats you like you’re still in high school while lauding all of your siblings’ accomplishments.
Chances are, there’s someone at the family gathering that you find difficult. They may only get under your skin, or maybe they affect the entire family dynamic by causing tension or arguments. Either way, they can cause you to view holidays, weddings, funerals and other family gatherings with dread.
There are times when cutting ties with your family or going to fewer family events may be necessary for your own health and happiness, but it is possible to survive a few days with a family member you don’t like.
We talked to UNC Health psychiatrist Nadia Charguia, MD for some tips on dealing with difficult family members.
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Set reasonable expectations.
Sometimes, the relatives we find frustrating are particularly irksome because we think they’re ruining a perfect day—we think we’d be having the best vacation or holiday gathering if they weren’t there.
“Movies and social media show the perfect family, the perfect meal, the perfect gifts, so that we live in a state of fantasy and ideal,” Dr. Charguia says. “If those are your expectations, you have to work against those perfectionist tendencies. Sometimes we have to embrace reality and sit with what we have.”
That can be hard to do when you’ve spent a lot of money and time, which we tend to do for weddings, holidays and family vacations, but nothing will ever be perfect. If you have more realistic expectations going into an event, you don’t risk being wildly disappointed.
“If there’s a pattern of behavior, embrace that reality and know you will see those patterns again,” Dr. Charguia says. “When you manage your expectations, then you can put plans in motion, plans revolving around creating boundaries and practicing self-care.”
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Remember the good and your “why.”
Even as you manage expectations and know that a relative tends to disappoint you, balance that with recognizing the good—that your whiny brother-in-law makes your sister happy or that your nosy aunt is a wonderful cook.
“Remind yourself of the redeeming factors, even if they’re not your own personal experiences,” Dr. Charguia says. “You can acknowledge that it’s hard to agree on politics with your Uncle Bill, but also recognize if he’s always been good with your kids or helped your mom when she was in the hospital.”
If you’ve decided to attend a family gathering, focus on your reasons for going.
“It can help to displace the stress we feel when we remind ourselves of our driving values, our ‘why’ for doing this,” Dr. Charguia says. “Whether you’re doing this because it will be meaningful to your mom, or because gathering and traditions are important to you, home in on what really matters to you and use it to tether yourself.”
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Talk to someone beforehand.
Before the event, talk to someone you trust about your concerns.
“Don’t be isolated in this experience,” Dr. Charguia says. “Have a conversation so you’re not sitting in this stress, anxiety and turmoil alone, trying to bury it.”
Fretting about a difficult relative by yourself can just make your distress about seeing them worse. By having a conversation, you can vent, but you can also get some perspective (maybe you did take an offhand comment way too personally) and strategize for getting through the encounter.
“Ideally, it would be someone who is there on the day, so that if you’re caught in a conversation or situation, you can signal to that person and they can help,” Dr. Charguia says. “Lean on others. When we’re in situations where stress can get the better of us, we have to work against isolation.”
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Think about boundaries and how you’ll enforce them.
While you can’t control your relatives, you can control your engagement with them. Think beforehand about the topics that might come up and your responses.
“As a host, you can certainly set ground rules with guests as to topics that shouldn’t be discussed,” Dr. Charguia says. “As both host and guest, it can be helpful to have a mental list of conversation starters or ways to move conversations to common ground.”
With some relatives, you may be able to refuse to engage or change topics in a light and playful way, but know when you’ll need to be more direct or walk away from interactions that upset you.
“Think through how you’ll call a stop to a distressing conversation,” Dr. Charguia says. “Set a boundary—say, ‘I’m done talking about this’ and then step away and take a breather.”
One boundary that’s helpful to set is how long you’ll stay at the event. If you know that you can handle your parents for two hours, make a plan to stay for two hours and then leave.
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Practice self-care.
Think about how you’ll take care of yourself before, during and after the interaction with the difficult relative.
“A calming activity both before and after seeing the person can help you unplug from the stress and put your mind in a positive place,” Dr. Charguia says.
Try to maintain your healthy habits—sleep, good nutrition and regular exercise—even if you’re traveling or busy with event prep. You’ll have a shorter fuse if you’re tired, and your favorite yoga class or long run will help you manage your stress. Even 15 to 30 minutes of moving your body can help.
During the event, plan on taking breaks. If possible, step outside, get some fresh air and take a few deep breaths.
And know that while a large glass of wine may seem like self-care, it might actually make the event more difficult.
“Alcohol lowers inhibitions and can intensify emotions, influencing how we feel about a situation as well as how we might respond,” Dr. Charguia says. “It leaves us feeling less grounded and makes it harder to access our usual coping strategies.”
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Have compassion—for yourself and others.
On the day of the event, go in with a big sense of compassion.
“Something may be going on for the other person, and it’s helpful to think about their reasons for acting in a certain way through a compassionate lens,” Dr. Charguia says. Maybe your cousin made a rude remark about your promotion at work because she’s struggling with her career.
And if you don’t react perfectly despite your best efforts, have compassion for yourself as well.
“We’re not perfect in how we respond,” Dr. Charguia says. “We can try our best, but maybe we do lose our temper. You can always learn from what worked and what didn’t work and employ those learnings when you try again.”
If your family is affecting your mental health, talk to your doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.