As a parent, you never want to see your child in physical pain, but it is an inevitable part of life. And while there’s a lot you can do to prevent certain injuries, you also need to be ready to help your child cope when acute pain does happen.
There is one bright side: Learning how to deal with pain adds tools to your child’s emotional toolbox.
“Pain and discomfort help a child become resilient,” says UNC Health pediatrician Edward Pickens, MD. “They are learning the skills for self-soothing and calming, and that’s not something you can learn from a book. It has to happen through exposure.”
Dr. Pickens explains how you can support your child through some common childhood pains, such as getting a vaccine or falling off a bike. First, we’ll talk about shots and medical procedures and then cover injuries.
How to Help When Your Child Needs Shots, Blood Draws or a Medical Procedure
Do: Think about how much preparation your child needs.
Some children need plenty of advance warning of something like a shot or a surgery, because they benefit from asking questions or playacting through what will happen. For other children, too much notice only leads to worry and anxiety.
“Parents know their child and have a better understanding of which approach the child will need,” Dr. Pickens says. “Not all children do well with preparation, while others don’t do well with having things sprung on them. It’s up to you how much preparation you do.”
Talking about a brief moment of pain from a shot or blood draw might help some kids be brave, but it doesn’t benefit everyone.
“For some kids, the anxiety will really spin out of control while they wait,” Dr. Pickens says. “The discomfort is typically not as bad as they think it will be, but that anticipation is the worst part.”
Do: Talk about reasons for what’s happening.
If a visit to the doctor is going to involve pain, it can be good to explain why—that a vaccine can prevent disease or a blood test will give a doctor important information about their body. The information should be tailored to the child’s age, but know that it won’t always make the experience easier.
“Children younger than 5 live in the moment, so if it hurts right now, the future benefit is irrelevant,” Dr. Pickens says. “It’s always good to tell a child why something is happening, but it might not change the response. They’re thinking about that moment of discomfort.”
Do: Lean on professionals.
Remember that your pediatrician and their team are experienced at helping kids through shots and other unpleasant experiences, so they will have advice on how to get through it. They can coach you on how to hold your child to make sure a shot is given safely and as comfortably as possible; nurses are often skilled at distracting kids.
If your child requires surgery or has to stay in the hospital for a procedure, know that there are many people who will help with your child’s pain, including doctors, nurses and child life specialists.
“The main thing kids are worried about is if there will be pain while a surgery is happening,” Dr. Pickens says. “You can reassure them that there will be no pain during the surgery, because there are special doctors who make sure of that. There may be some pain after the procedure, but there are things that can be done to minimize discomfort.”
Don’t: Let your response increase your child’s anxiety.
You know your child is worried about a shot. That makes you worried about the shot. Your child may see that on your face or feel you tense up before the needle goes in, and then they become even more upset.
“Anxiety can make what happens after the shot a lot worse,” Dr. Pickens says. “When a child is crying or screaming long after the pain of a shot should be gone, it’s more about anxiety.”
It’s not easy, but it’s important to remain calm and confident before a vaccine or blood draw. It will help your child if you can comfort and reassure them without looking upset. You can acknowledge that it will hurt and that tears are OK, but those tears may disappear more quickly if you’re not visibly worried. Remind them that they just did an important thing for their health.
How to Help When Your Child is Injured
Don’t: Overreact, if you can help it.
One minute, your child is riding their bike or toddling around the house. The next thing you know, they’re on the ground. When they look to you, your response can dictate what happens next.
“It’s incredibly common for a kid to scrape their knee and be completely fine, but then they see a worried parent and start to cry,” Dr. Pickens says. “In the moment, a parent probably won’t be able to control their face, so just acknowledge that you’re human and will have an immediate reaction.”
Still, as you start to triage the situation, try not to panic, even if you’re concerned that the injury might require a trip to urgent care or an emergency department.
“Children look to parents for reassurance, so try to maintain a level of calm,” Dr. Pickens says. “When a child is hurt and their parents are freaked out, it leads to greater anxiety and escalates the perception of pain.”
Of course, you’re human too, so forgive yourself if you do panic momentarily. Focus on regulating your emotions so you can help your child.
Don’t: Minimize your child’s pain.
While it’s important to stay calm, you never want to brush off your child’s pain, even when you can tell that it was a minor bump or fall.
“Saying, ‘That didn’t hurt, you’re fine,’ can be well-intentioned, but don’t downplay pain,” Dr. Pickens says. “Children need to hear acknowledgment of their emotions, so acknowledge the pain and that they’re upset. Say that you know it hurts or you’re sorry that happened.”
Validating pain and the emotions that can come with it will help you build a stronger long-term relationship with your child, and help your child build the skills to advocate for their needs throughout life.
“You’ll lose credibility with your child if they feel they can’t turn to you with pain,” Dr. Pickens says. “If you’re going to be the person they turn to when bad things happen, you have to show you’ll be a good support system and won’t blow things off as nothing.”
Don’t: Expect young children to accurately describe pain.
If you’re trying to decide whether you need to take your young child to urgent care, observe how they are behaving, rather than what they’re saying. Look to see if they’re able to continue to play without complaint or if they’re avoiding use of an injured arm or leg.
“Having a child describe pain is usually not helpful,” Dr. Pickens says. “You need a certain amount of life experience to know how bad pain is. Adults also have a lot of ways to describe pain that children don’t. If you ask a child about pain, they may say that it feels like a thousand needles poking them, which we may interpret as a sharp pain, but really, it just means it hurts a lot, and that’s the best thing they can think of to convey that.”
Adults are often asked to rank pain on a scale from one to 10, but for young children, doctors typically use a chart with a range of smiling or frowning faces to have a child indicate how they feel; there are versions available online that may be helpful to you when asking your child about pain.
Do: Teach and encourage self-soothing skills.
When you stub your toe or cut yourself, you may swear or cry or need a minute, but then you’re able to do what needs to be done to deal with the injury. You know the pain will end. Young children don’t know that yet, and that’s why crying and screaming can escalate.
“The level of hysteria can be far above the level of pain, because once children get so worked up, they have a hard time calming down,” Dr. Pickens says.
While it’s not easy, these are moments to teach self-soothing strategies. They’ll learn how to soothe themselves when you soothe them, and the strategies are the same whether it’s an emergency or a minor injury.
“Help them take some deep breaths,” Dr. Pickens says. “Have them close their eyes and count to 10. Hold their hand or give them a hug. Self-soothing takes time and practice, so it will be difficult at first, but it’s always helpful. Your presence will also be very helpful, because they will see you care.”
For more advice about helping a child with pain, talk to their doctor. If you need a doctor, find one near you.